Lies!

I never read Fool. I had no intention of doing so at all, in fact.

What I meant, actually, was that I was reading A Dirty Job, by Christopher Moore. I really enjoyed this novel, which is a big deal for me because, for whatever reason, I dislike most books that attempt humor. I found Moore's use of humor poignant, relevant, realistic, and most importantly, actually funny. This was a hard one to put down, and I'm glad I had been given the nudge by the bf to check this one out.

Soooo The Hobbit.... I've actually been working on it, but my goal of getting it done last week (or this week, for that matter) has fallen away from me. But, what I did not expect (even after being a fervent fan of the two films out to date, and the LotR trilogy films), was that I would adore this story in its written form. In high school, I had once attempted to read The Fellowship of the Ring and utterly failed. Could not get into it, could not understand it. I feel that my experiences with A Song of Ice and Fire have prepared me for J. R. R. Tolkien's bombast and verbosity. In fact, I rather enjoy it. And so I've been plugging away at The Hobbit as best I can, but I've also been very, very occupied. I have started my new, full time job, which takes up a fair amount of my time, as you would expect. Sometimes I get some reading done on my lunch breaks, but with only half an hour, I spend most of my time cramming food into my mouth and catching up on my phone, since I am unable to do so at any other time during the day without high school-esque reprimands. I wake up pretty early in the mornings, now, to do bikram yoga (which, if you've ever liked any form of yoga, I cannot recommend highly enough), and I am in bed pretty early as well to get enough sleep. So the three-four hours between home from work and bed, they're pretty packed.

I've been catching back up on keto, but having a hell of a time getting my body into ketosis for some reason... considering a fat fast pretty soon here. I've started cooking on Sundays to cut down on my nightly prep chores. It helps, a bit.

My first paycheck ( of a proper, livable wage) in more than a year and a half... it's very exciting. Being a grown up is all well and good, but it's leaving me very little time for reading. Hopefully this week I can finish The Hobbit. I remember working full time and having my own place, and all of that, but it's been a long time and I've only ever done it fully on my own (without male assistance or company) once. I'm very excited, but as I meander back into proper adulthood, I am again disillusioned. Oh yes, I think, everything is harder and I will have no time and too many commitments and a lot of quiet time.

I don't think I've ever been warned about how very quiet having your own place is. I remember falling asleep my first night in my first very own place. It was scary. But I woke up in the morning, not worse than the day before. So I'm sure as I begin my steady crawling back out of the nest I have had the good fortune to always be able to return to, that when I finally see that first lonely night, I will wake up again.


Next Book: Should I read more Moore, or should I carry on with the LotR series and attempt to complete them once and for all? Or should I depart and choose something altogether new?

"Fool", and no resolutions.

January is winding, grinding, sputtering down to its end, and I'm not really one for "New Year's resolutions". Intentions are all well and good, but I don't tend to see a lot of people reflecting upon or pursing their resolutions by the time say, November, rolls around. 

So I fucked up my diet. Not like, irreparably. I am back on the horse, as it were, and it's a struggle for sure to say no to all those sweet, carby, temptations. Like any kind of pastry. Or tortillas. Or pasta.....

asdfhsjkldfhasldf. 

I will not be defeated! I've made a couple attempts to get myself off the sugar addiction and back in love with my bacon and butter and cheese and eggs. But now, now I can feel it. I slumped. I hit the complacent "good enough" stage. I felt comfortable for once. And I ate and ate and ate. Now, I feel it. The scale is bouncing between 160-165 depending on the day, and I feel like an asshole for even getting there. But what's done is done, I had a couple months of fun, for sure. 

I am SO close. 

So close! There's no reason to stop being on track, there's no reason to stuff my face with all the carbs. There's no reason why I'm not working out or taking my dog for runs (except that he might possibly be the WORST running partner... ever). So ok January, you caught me up in your bug. I want to start anew, too. I'm done bitching, I'm starting doing. Fuck you insecurity, I'm back. 

AHEM AHEM AHEM

So my life, besides my fat, has also taken some changes these few months. Let us go over them. 

1. I met a guy. He is a good guy. There are others like him, but this one is mine. 

2. I'm *working* on quitting smoking. The guy and I did start quitting at the same time, I sneak one from      time to time, in the interest of not ripping each other's faces off for the immediate future. 

3. Restarting Zombies 5k training app today, plus other challenges including squats, sit ups, push ups. 

4. 52 books in 52 weeks

Okayso that last one there... I know I'm a bit behind, but I like this whole reading challenge idea. I have a lot of books I need to read or keep saying I will read, and then I don't. I used to read a lot more than I do now, and I want to change that... so I am. 

This week, I am reading Fool by Christopher Moore. 

Every Sunday I will start a new book, and briefly review the past one here. After this book I intend to read The Hobbit, but after that I have no strict list. I welcome recommendations! 

60 pounds

So. I weigh 146.

I'm just... I'm letting that sink in.

I'm almost at the one year mark from when I started losing. At this point, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm getting close, and it's time to start augmenting my diet with some serious exercise. I've got my Zombies, Run! 5k trainer, as well as doing a squat trainer, push up trainer, and sit up trainer. There are all phone apps, Zombies... is paid for, the rest are free.

So yeah. 146. The last time I saw you, I was 16. That was ten years ago. TEN YEARS.

Granted, it looked better then. There's a definite shape difference between gaining and losing. But fuck, aren't I getting there?

I could've started the working out a lot early, I know. I probably should have. But this pace, the ease of it, it's been working for me. And now with less weight to carry around, it will certainly be easier.

Squats and ab-work pretty much throw me into a blind rage, because I feel like they shouldn't be so difficult. But they are. And they make me hate me for how hard they are. But I know it's never going to get better unless I start. I have to. I want that bubble booty. I want that flat tummy.

Oh it's gonna happen. If I have to hate my weak little muscles for months, it's gonna happen.


146. Never thought it would actually show up again.

Kicking it back into gear

So I'm sitting here at about 149lbs. 8 less than back in July. Fuck. This stagnation, it kills.

I know what I'm doing, and a year ago I wouldn't have been able to stop it. But now I am. I'm way too fucking close to get complacent now.

Stop with the munchies, Kati.

Stop eating your damn feelings. It only makes you feel worse.

Carbs are NOT your friend. The cake IS a lie.

So today was back full swing into keto. No more tasty booze. No more taco bell, with it's sexy, sexy burritos of lies.

And now, the working out commences.  I've been running with the Zombies, Run! 5k trainer, and I love it. Much, much, more involving than the regular C25K app. I also downloaded a push up trainer, sit up trainer, and a squats trainer.

Oh baby, all the squats.

Cuz oh my god, Becky, I'm gonna get that butt.

50 pounds and other milestones

Hello.

Is it me you're looking for?

I haven't forgotten to write. I just haven't been able to. Since about early March, started dealing with some heavy, heavy emotional shit. My relationship fell apart, and I lost the man I thought I was going to marry and his children, whom I had made my family. School fell apart shortly after that, and I managed to not fail the important classes at least. But there was a fairly substanstial chunk of time there where I gave pretty much zero fucks about anything.

Well I'm back.

I haven't stopped my diet or losing weight, and this morning I hit 157 lbs, which I mean, fuck it. I'll say that's 50 lost so far.

Past that bit of information, don't expect beans to be spilled regarding the relationship. It was (mostly) mutual, and I'm doing better. Not great, but definitely better. Lately I've been realizing that I base too much of my life around my relationships and if/when they end... well I really do have nothing after that. I'm working on building my own foundation, something that will still belong to me when everything is all said and done. I'm tired of losing my entire life when people walk away.

So here's to my own, I suppose.

A good editor

“The first draft of anything is shit.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I don't particularly like the body of work Hemingway produced, but he has a logic that is hard to deny. As a student, I write a lot of papers. Unlike a lot of students, though, (as I've covered before) I like to feel that I've learned how to be a better writer, and not just how to make the grade. Sometimes though it is easy to get caught up in arrogance, and just assume that I'm a better writer than my peers and that I need no editing because everything I produce is gold on the first try. 

Wrong. 

Wrong wrong wrong. So very wrong. 

Peer review is not my favorite tool in my writing class, but we do it every time. My favorite method is actually meeting with my professor to have him edit my papers himself. I have a lot more respect for his skills, knowledge, and talents than I do for the 19 year old sitting next to me who thinks that I'm "like... a really good writer, man."

It's fairly magical, though, to take a first draft into his office. Delicate and sensitive, it's like the first few glimpses into your soul. It's embarrassing and messy. But with the right editor.. the paper turns to clay. The two brains work together to mold that mess into a proper thought, a proper moment, a proper story. And then, when it's done, I can go home, reflect on notes and revisions, and REALLY start to write. 

It's magic. Editing isn't editing. Editing IS writing. There is no embarrassment in a sloppy, lazy first draft, as long as you constructively edit it. Nothing amazing was ever written on the first try.

30 pounds!!!

Finally, it's here! Today I was 176lbs. Back in October I was 206 pounds, and today, I weigh less than I did when I moved to Nevada, which was in 2006. Holy. Shit.

I weigh less than I did when I left college, and less than I did when a boyfriend did the wrong sort of encouraging and told me he would break up with me if I got past 175 pounds. And then promptly did not break up with me when I reached 180 and higher. Dumped him later, though...for being a dumb.

But fuck yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And my dieting has been awesome. This has been so much easier than Dukan, so much happier. I don't constantly think about all the things I'm missing. I had a handful of strawberries yesterday. In heavy cream. And it was divine, and it was allowed. And in the morning, I still weighed less. I eat bacon all the time. I eat CHEESE. Great, glorious CHEESE. And I'm just melting away!


I even had someone say that to me the other day. "You're just melting away... you're like half the woman you used to be!"

Well, I haven't lost *that* much weight. But maybe... mentally, I'm double the woman I used to be.

Everything good is mine today.