Lies!

I never read Fool. I had no intention of doing so at all, in fact.

What I meant, actually, was that I was reading A Dirty Job, by Christopher Moore. I really enjoyed this novel, which is a big deal for me because, for whatever reason, I dislike most books that attempt humor. I found Moore's use of humor poignant, relevant, realistic, and most importantly, actually funny. This was a hard one to put down, and I'm glad I had been given the nudge by the bf to check this one out.

Soooo The Hobbit.... I've actually been working on it, but my goal of getting it done last week (or this week, for that matter) has fallen away from me. But, what I did not expect (even after being a fervent fan of the two films out to date, and the LotR trilogy films), was that I would adore this story in its written form. In high school, I had once attempted to read The Fellowship of the Ring and utterly failed. Could not get into it, could not understand it. I feel that my experiences with A Song of Ice and Fire have prepared me for J. R. R. Tolkien's bombast and verbosity. In fact, I rather enjoy it. And so I've been plugging away at The Hobbit as best I can, but I've also been very, very occupied. I have started my new, full time job, which takes up a fair amount of my time, as you would expect. Sometimes I get some reading done on my lunch breaks, but with only half an hour, I spend most of my time cramming food into my mouth and catching up on my phone, since I am unable to do so at any other time during the day without high school-esque reprimands. I wake up pretty early in the mornings, now, to do bikram yoga (which, if you've ever liked any form of yoga, I cannot recommend highly enough), and I am in bed pretty early as well to get enough sleep. So the three-four hours between home from work and bed, they're pretty packed.

I've been catching back up on keto, but having a hell of a time getting my body into ketosis for some reason... considering a fat fast pretty soon here. I've started cooking on Sundays to cut down on my nightly prep chores. It helps, a bit.

My first paycheck ( of a proper, livable wage) in more than a year and a half... it's very exciting. Being a grown up is all well and good, but it's leaving me very little time for reading. Hopefully this week I can finish The Hobbit. I remember working full time and having my own place, and all of that, but it's been a long time and I've only ever done it fully on my own (without male assistance or company) once. I'm very excited, but as I meander back into proper adulthood, I am again disillusioned. Oh yes, I think, everything is harder and I will have no time and too many commitments and a lot of quiet time.

I don't think I've ever been warned about how very quiet having your own place is. I remember falling asleep my first night in my first very own place. It was scary. But I woke up in the morning, not worse than the day before. So I'm sure as I begin my steady crawling back out of the nest I have had the good fortune to always be able to return to, that when I finally see that first lonely night, I will wake up again.


Next Book: Should I read more Moore, or should I carry on with the LotR series and attempt to complete them once and for all? Or should I depart and choose something altogether new?

"Fool", and no resolutions.

January is winding, grinding, sputtering down to its end, and I'm not really one for "New Year's resolutions". Intentions are all well and good, but I don't tend to see a lot of people reflecting upon or pursing their resolutions by the time say, November, rolls around. 

So I fucked up my diet. Not like, irreparably. I am back on the horse, as it were, and it's a struggle for sure to say no to all those sweet, carby, temptations. Like any kind of pastry. Or tortillas. Or pasta.....

asdfhsjkldfhasldf. 

I will not be defeated! I've made a couple attempts to get myself off the sugar addiction and back in love with my bacon and butter and cheese and eggs. But now, now I can feel it. I slumped. I hit the complacent "good enough" stage. I felt comfortable for once. And I ate and ate and ate. Now, I feel it. The scale is bouncing between 160-165 depending on the day, and I feel like an asshole for even getting there. But what's done is done, I had a couple months of fun, for sure. 

I am SO close. 

So close! There's no reason to stop being on track, there's no reason to stuff my face with all the carbs. There's no reason why I'm not working out or taking my dog for runs (except that he might possibly be the WORST running partner... ever). So ok January, you caught me up in your bug. I want to start anew, too. I'm done bitching, I'm starting doing. Fuck you insecurity, I'm back. 

AHEM AHEM AHEM

So my life, besides my fat, has also taken some changes these few months. Let us go over them. 

1. I met a guy. He is a good guy. There are others like him, but this one is mine. 

2. I'm *working* on quitting smoking. The guy and I did start quitting at the same time, I sneak one from      time to time, in the interest of not ripping each other's faces off for the immediate future. 

3. Restarting Zombies 5k training app today, plus other challenges including squats, sit ups, push ups. 

4. 52 books in 52 weeks

Okayso that last one there... I know I'm a bit behind, but I like this whole reading challenge idea. I have a lot of books I need to read or keep saying I will read, and then I don't. I used to read a lot more than I do now, and I want to change that... so I am. 

This week, I am reading Fool by Christopher Moore. 

Every Sunday I will start a new book, and briefly review the past one here. After this book I intend to read The Hobbit, but after that I have no strict list. I welcome recommendations! 

60 pounds

So. I weigh 146.

I'm just... I'm letting that sink in.

I'm almost at the one year mark from when I started losing. At this point, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm getting close, and it's time to start augmenting my diet with some serious exercise. I've got my Zombies, Run! 5k trainer, as well as doing a squat trainer, push up trainer, and sit up trainer. There are all phone apps, Zombies... is paid for, the rest are free.

So yeah. 146. The last time I saw you, I was 16. That was ten years ago. TEN YEARS.

Granted, it looked better then. There's a definite shape difference between gaining and losing. But fuck, aren't I getting there?

I could've started the working out a lot early, I know. I probably should have. But this pace, the ease of it, it's been working for me. And now with less weight to carry around, it will certainly be easier.

Squats and ab-work pretty much throw me into a blind rage, because I feel like they shouldn't be so difficult. But they are. And they make me hate me for how hard they are. But I know it's never going to get better unless I start. I have to. I want that bubble booty. I want that flat tummy.

Oh it's gonna happen. If I have to hate my weak little muscles for months, it's gonna happen.


146. Never thought it would actually show up again.

Kicking it back into gear

So I'm sitting here at about 149lbs. 8 less than back in July. Fuck. This stagnation, it kills.

I know what I'm doing, and a year ago I wouldn't have been able to stop it. But now I am. I'm way too fucking close to get complacent now.

Stop with the munchies, Kati.

Stop eating your damn feelings. It only makes you feel worse.

Carbs are NOT your friend. The cake IS a lie.

So today was back full swing into keto. No more tasty booze. No more taco bell, with it's sexy, sexy burritos of lies.

And now, the working out commences.  I've been running with the Zombies, Run! 5k trainer, and I love it. Much, much, more involving than the regular C25K app. I also downloaded a push up trainer, sit up trainer, and a squats trainer.

Oh baby, all the squats.

Cuz oh my god, Becky, I'm gonna get that butt.

50 pounds and other milestones

Hello.

Is it me you're looking for?

I haven't forgotten to write. I just haven't been able to. Since about early March, started dealing with some heavy, heavy emotional shit. My relationship fell apart, and I lost the man I thought I was going to marry and his children, whom I had made my family. School fell apart shortly after that, and I managed to not fail the important classes at least. But there was a fairly substanstial chunk of time there where I gave pretty much zero fucks about anything.

Well I'm back.

I haven't stopped my diet or losing weight, and this morning I hit 157 lbs, which I mean, fuck it. I'll say that's 50 lost so far.

Past that bit of information, don't expect beans to be spilled regarding the relationship. It was (mostly) mutual, and I'm doing better. Not great, but definitely better. Lately I've been realizing that I base too much of my life around my relationships and if/when they end... well I really do have nothing after that. I'm working on building my own foundation, something that will still belong to me when everything is all said and done. I'm tired of losing my entire life when people walk away.

So here's to my own, I suppose.

A good editor

“The first draft of anything is shit.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I don't particularly like the body of work Hemingway produced, but he has a logic that is hard to deny. As a student, I write a lot of papers. Unlike a lot of students, though, (as I've covered before) I like to feel that I've learned how to be a better writer, and not just how to make the grade. Sometimes though it is easy to get caught up in arrogance, and just assume that I'm a better writer than my peers and that I need no editing because everything I produce is gold on the first try. 

Wrong. 

Wrong wrong wrong. So very wrong. 

Peer review is not my favorite tool in my writing class, but we do it every time. My favorite method is actually meeting with my professor to have him edit my papers himself. I have a lot more respect for his skills, knowledge, and talents than I do for the 19 year old sitting next to me who thinks that I'm "like... a really good writer, man."

It's fairly magical, though, to take a first draft into his office. Delicate and sensitive, it's like the first few glimpses into your soul. It's embarrassing and messy. But with the right editor.. the paper turns to clay. The two brains work together to mold that mess into a proper thought, a proper moment, a proper story. And then, when it's done, I can go home, reflect on notes and revisions, and REALLY start to write. 

It's magic. Editing isn't editing. Editing IS writing. There is no embarrassment in a sloppy, lazy first draft, as long as you constructively edit it. Nothing amazing was ever written on the first try.

30 pounds!!!

Finally, it's here! Today I was 176lbs. Back in October I was 206 pounds, and today, I weigh less than I did when I moved to Nevada, which was in 2006. Holy. Shit.

I weigh less than I did when I left college, and less than I did when a boyfriend did the wrong sort of encouraging and told me he would break up with me if I got past 175 pounds. And then promptly did not break up with me when I reached 180 and higher. Dumped him later, though...for being a dumb.

But fuck yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And my dieting has been awesome. This has been so much easier than Dukan, so much happier. I don't constantly think about all the things I'm missing. I had a handful of strawberries yesterday. In heavy cream. And it was divine, and it was allowed. And in the morning, I still weighed less. I eat bacon all the time. I eat CHEESE. Great, glorious CHEESE. And I'm just melting away!


I even had someone say that to me the other day. "You're just melting away... you're like half the woman you used to be!"

Well, I haven't lost *that* much weight. But maybe... mentally, I'm double the woman I used to be.

Everything good is mine today.

Success!!

At long last... I'm seeing losses again!

182 today, after almost 2 months of stagnation at or around 186.

It feels so goooood.

I've been sick, and going through the hell of my wisdom teeth removal previously didn't help, along with the water retention from all the meds. But now that I'm on my feet and eating again (dukan is out, keto is in... it's delicious, and cheaper), I'm seeing losses!

School has started, Bioshock Infinite looms ever tantilizlingly, and the new BLOPS2 Zombies map is insane. Watched the bf play a little bit of Die Rise last night.... looks wicked fun. Can't wait to get my xbox back online....


<3

On the other hand...

... maybe I did disappear.

I just haven't really known what to say.

Had some craziness going on, the holidays, family visits, and most recently, a couple tooth extractions. All fun.

Did well over the holidays, but I've still been sitting at the mid 180's for over a month now. Bleh. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of Dukan. Idk if I should stick it out, or what. I've recently been turned on to a keto diet (sometimes known as caveman diet, very similar to paleo). It sounds crazy, but every day I see more and more success stories from people with a whole lot more weight to lose than I.  And it looks much, much tastier than Dukan, that's for damn sure.

http://www.reddit.com/help/faqs/keto

If you're interested.

Bootcamp ended today. I definitely feel more mobile, a little more agile, and even a little bit faster. I really enjoyed it, in hindsight. In the class, I was always fucking dying.

I'm so dramatic.

But seriously, I never sweat that much playing softball out in the heat and humidity. Bootcamp was hard. I'll definitely miss it.

I feel smaller, but the scale doesn't seem to think so. My boyfriend notices. He said he forgot I had a tattoo on my hip. Well I hope I'm not so raging fat anymore that he forgets about my tattoos, lol.

Though, honestly, I forgot about it myself. I wouldn't mind a new, prettier one, right on top of that one. Maybe when I deserve and can afford rewards :)

Also been doing C25K, for longer than it would seem. I have to keep restarting because I miss days due to various reasons. Right now it's my teeth that's holding me back, but I did bootcamp today and it was fine, so I should be able to run tomorrow. I've been running outside, in the snow, and with my dog. All things I never thought I would do. And you know what.. it's not hard. I don't hate it.

It's a god damned revelation, it is.

So from the beggining of bootcamp to the end, plus the running on the side, I went from not being able to run a tenth of a mile w/o stopping, to being able to run two, almost three tenths of a mile w/o stopping.

Finally, the sweet, sweet taste of tangible progress.

I did not disappear

I feel badly, I haven't posted in a while. Well, I'm back. It wasn't that there wasn't anything going on, just that I didn't have much to say about it.

In reality, there's been a lot going on. Too much, if you ask me. Usually I'm one to vent, and obviously, I appreciate an audience. Lately, though, everything was too close to home and I've been really frustrated and not interested in opening up the issues to interpretation.

As far as the diet and everything goes, I think I'm back on the horse. I didn't gain anything, but I've been sitting at187 or so for this whole month and it's time to get back in gear. I signed up for MyFitnessPal, and I'm using that in conjunction with the Dukan Diet. Also, bootcamp is kicking my ass, in a good way. It's hard, and when I get in there and I see those boys who run it... I wanna kill them. But they're nice, and the class is as hard as it should be, and hopefully I see results when it's over. By that time, school will have started and I will still be working out 3x a week, if not more. I haven't started the Couch-2-5k thing yet. Why? Because I hate running, that's why.

But I've seen so many people who have done it and it's been remarkable for them, so I should try it. Also I'm interested in weight lifting, especially squats, and I need overall muscle tone. So hopefully the classes I'm taking will help me to this end but if not, I will at least be losing the weight and can focus on the tone and definition later.

Happy new year! I hope you make it take you where you want to go.

Victory is mine!

I did it... I got straight A's in my classes this semester. I've never done it in my entire life. Probably not even in elementary school, when all you had to do was shut your mouth for a little while and pay attention. I never could get those two down...

But I did it! Four beautiful, clearly marked A's are sitting on my transcript now. I think these are also the first A's I've gotten in college, ever.

Also, day 2 of bootcamp. Ow. Ow ow ow. But I worked my ass off. Everything below my pecs is pretty much worthless. Ab work was super hard, leg work was super hard. Deltoids and biceps? A-ok, in comparison, at least. Gotta work those glutes and abs!

Doing some light cardio on my days off from bootcamp, should probably add some weight work, or something. Idk. I need so much work on glutes and abs it just makes me sad.

BUT FOR NOW... I CELEBRATE!

I’m dead. I’m dead, I’m dead, I died, I dead.

I'm Marlin and Dory, from Finding Nemo. The light is the appeal of bootcamp class, and the angler fish is actual class, which is going to tear my ass apart very shortly.

But the first class is done. I hate my times, they're horrible, but at least there's a lot of room for improvement. Right after I go pass out.

Well... that was interesting.

So finals are over... commence the relieved sigh.

I finished Mass Effect 3... not really sure how I feel about it.

And bootcamp starts in the morning. I know exactly how I feel about it. I just hope I don't do as poorly as I'm worried I might.

To bed now... see you at 5 am, world.

Bioshock and plateaus

Ok so... first things first. Bioshock Infinite pushed back another month. We're looking at March 2013, now, which is not as far away as it sounds, I suppose. Either way, I'll be in school and I'll have to wait  play. BUT!!! Game play trailer! Amazing...

In other news... I've been sitting at this 186 mark for almost 10 days now. I know finals have been absorbing pretty much all my spare time and energy, but I need to get on top of it. I need to run. I need to eat better. I've been carb snacking here and there, when I'm in a rush, and it needs to stop.

I want more weight loss! I have to get it for myself.

I'm gonna do it...

I am doing it, but I'm gonna do it more. Hmph.

And, also, going to see The Hobbit this week! Very, very excited for this :)

As I complete my final paper for the semester....

Quick brain warm-up

I'm writing my final paper for the semester, currently. Well, not at this VERY moment. At this very moment, I'm writing this blog post. But previously, I was writing my layout/brainstorming for the paper. And following this, I will begin the first draft of the paper.

My argument for the paper, and the question I pose to you now, is this: what is the responsibility of art? Does art even have responsibility?

The paper requires the dissection of a movie as it relates to your thesis, and my movie/novel is Lolita.

The questions I am asking are, did Lolita deserve to be banned? Does any art deserve to be banned? And what is the point... to show humanity at its best, at its most ideal? Or should art show the truth, both the lows and highs?

My answer, most simply, is this. Art is an expression of its creator, as as such, should be free of censorship. Art is rarely universally agreeable. Neither is human nature. But to fear art for its portrayal of the darker aspects is to ignore the reality of the problems. The problems exist. They have existed and will continue to exist. But to blame the messenger, the media that examines the issues, is to avoid the infection and blame the symptom.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, is it not?

Now, Lolita is an interesting case. Nabokov claims in the afterword of his novel that there is "no moral in tow." However, despite an artist's intentions, they cannot control the reactions of their audience. One individual could read the novel and be rapturous in its aesthetics, for surely, it is a fabulous exploitation of the English language. Another, however, could be repelled by the subject matter. What it all comes down to, really, is the feelings of the audience. No one can control another's feelings. Feelings are a matter of choice. Do I choose to be so repulsed by the monstrous narrator that I cannot appreciate the beauty of his presentation? I choose to see past the fancy prose of the man who tries to be smarter than he is, to see his true nature as a kidnapper, molester, rapist, and all around violator of the young girl, and the girls before her. He apologizes for his actions, even as he delights in the delicious retelling of them. He victimizes himself to his jury, but critical reading is key, for between the lines of his confessions and excuses, is the truth. The abuse he commits is unforgivable, and is not intended to be seen as anything else.

This is the entire point. This story is no celebration of the joys of pedophilia, it is the troubled confession of a man who loathes his actions and relishes their memories. It does not make it a bad story, or an irresponsible piece of art. But were it pedo-centric propoganda, would I feel differently?

I would probably not read it, and if I had, I would probably not enjoy it. Does that mean that it is any less "art", and does that mean that because I did not agree with it that it should be thrown from the market? I don't know. I want to say no, that it should not. Would such a piece be supporting a violation of basic human rights? Yes, most likely. However, that doesn't mean it should be denied the chance to be accessed and similarly disagreed with. I doubt any such literature would convince someone who was not already prone to the thoughts and behaviors perpetrated therein. Media is not the source of actions or thoughts, and art imitates life. I cannot believe it would be encouraging to anyone but those previously engaged in the thought patterns. Media contributes, this I believe. But to remove it entirely would be more irresponsible and egregious than allowing it to exist in the first place.

If you don't like it, don't partake in it. Simple as that. Ignore it, and move on.

There is no bad press. Drawing attention to the negative with scathing reviews and fear-driven censorship will only draw a larger audience, curious to see what all the fuss is about.

20 pounds!

20 pounds bites the dust! I suspect that weight loss will slow down from here on out, as it regulates. However, I am starting several different work out type things... soon. That will definitely help and I'll start being able to see more results. Pictures soon, regarding the 20lbs, but I don't feel a lot different, really. Little things I notice, like the way my ring fits on my finger, or a pair of pants that use to be unable to button now bagging out on me by the end of the day. But I just don't... see it.

I'll be doing:
Couch-to-5k, 3x week
Bootcamp (Beginner's level, local gym), 3x week

When school starts again at the end of January, I'll not be in boot camp anymore, but I will be in 3 different PE classes, on top of the 3 academic ones. I'll be taking aerobics, "body contouring and conditioning", and yoga. Hopefully the pounds will drop, and the flab will tighten up, and by May... I should be fit and healthy and happy with the person I see in the mirror. I'm already happy with the inside, now I just need to match :)

Yay!

Tea

Those that know me understand that I get into obsessive phases. Recently, I have become interested in all things tea. My christmas list is covered in tea pots and kettles and beautiful little cups and blend after blend of loose leaf tea. I can't wait to get a proper pot and a matching pair of cups and just drink tea for hours with a friend, chatting away like usual. Only with tea!

I did finally try my first cup of loose leaf tea tonight, and really, it is different. As I enjoyed the white/mate chai blend, I felt what I think coffee people feel when they drink that first sip of their morning mug: full body warmlove. Everything is instantly better and your mind stops zooming so it can go "Hey man, what you're doing there... I really like that."

I've been obsessing over every aspect of tea, especially proper brewing and the differences between a traditional Japanese tea, and a British high noon tea. Both of which are fairly involved. I'm looking into Dukan recipes for tasty cookie biscuits, but I'm not 100% sure I would be happy dipping something into this awesome mug of hot perfection that I got going on right now.

Maybe snacks are out.

Dukan calls for an increase of water, and to avoid chemical-izing my entire being, I choose you, tea. And I love tea. I've had tea my whole life. But this departure from bagged tea to loose leaf...

My world just shifted.

Mission Time

It's now entering the final two weeks of the semester. Next Wednesday is the end of one of my classes, the other three end the following week.


Projects and papers, abound.

So much to do in so little time to secure those straight A's. Maybe three A's and a B. But with any luck... straight A's for the first time in my life. It's weird not being lazy anymore.

But dammit Jim, I'm a student, not a scientist.

Buckle down everybody... it's mission time.

It does a body (mind, spirit, soul, etc.) good