60 pounds

So. I weigh 146.

I'm just... I'm letting that sink in.

I'm almost at the one year mark from when I started losing. At this point, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm getting close, and it's time to start augmenting my diet with some serious exercise. I've got my Zombies, Run! 5k trainer, as well as doing a squat trainer, push up trainer, and sit up trainer. There are all phone apps, Zombies... is paid for, the rest are free.

So yeah. 146. The last time I saw you, I was 16. That was ten years ago. TEN YEARS.

Granted, it looked better then. There's a definite shape difference between gaining and losing. But fuck, aren't I getting there?

I could've started the working out a lot early, I know. I probably should have. But this pace, the ease of it, it's been working for me. And now with less weight to carry around, it will certainly be easier.

Squats and ab-work pretty much throw me into a blind rage, because I feel like they shouldn't be so difficult. But they are. And they make me hate me for how hard they are. But I know it's never going to get better unless I start. I have to. I want that bubble booty. I want that flat tummy.

Oh it's gonna happen. If I have to hate my weak little muscles for months, it's gonna happen.


146. Never thought it would actually show up again.

Kicking it back into gear

So I'm sitting here at about 149lbs. 8 less than back in July. Fuck. This stagnation, it kills.

I know what I'm doing, and a year ago I wouldn't have been able to stop it. But now I am. I'm way too fucking close to get complacent now.

Stop with the munchies, Kati.

Stop eating your damn feelings. It only makes you feel worse.

Carbs are NOT your friend. The cake IS a lie.

So today was back full swing into keto. No more tasty booze. No more taco bell, with it's sexy, sexy burritos of lies.

And now, the working out commences.  I've been running with the Zombies, Run! 5k trainer, and I love it. Much, much, more involving than the regular C25K app. I also downloaded a push up trainer, sit up trainer, and a squats trainer.

Oh baby, all the squats.

Cuz oh my god, Becky, I'm gonna get that butt.

50 pounds and other milestones

Hello.

Is it me you're looking for?

I haven't forgotten to write. I just haven't been able to. Since about early March, started dealing with some heavy, heavy emotional shit. My relationship fell apart, and I lost the man I thought I was going to marry and his children, whom I had made my family. School fell apart shortly after that, and I managed to not fail the important classes at least. But there was a fairly substanstial chunk of time there where I gave pretty much zero fucks about anything.

Well I'm back.

I haven't stopped my diet or losing weight, and this morning I hit 157 lbs, which I mean, fuck it. I'll say that's 50 lost so far.

Past that bit of information, don't expect beans to be spilled regarding the relationship. It was (mostly) mutual, and I'm doing better. Not great, but definitely better. Lately I've been realizing that I base too much of my life around my relationships and if/when they end... well I really do have nothing after that. I'm working on building my own foundation, something that will still belong to me when everything is all said and done. I'm tired of losing my entire life when people walk away.

So here's to my own, I suppose.

A good editor

“The first draft of anything is shit.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I don't particularly like the body of work Hemingway produced, but he has a logic that is hard to deny. As a student, I write a lot of papers. Unlike a lot of students, though, (as I've covered before) I like to feel that I've learned how to be a better writer, and not just how to make the grade. Sometimes though it is easy to get caught up in arrogance, and just assume that I'm a better writer than my peers and that I need no editing because everything I produce is gold on the first try. 

Wrong. 

Wrong wrong wrong. So very wrong. 

Peer review is not my favorite tool in my writing class, but we do it every time. My favorite method is actually meeting with my professor to have him edit my papers himself. I have a lot more respect for his skills, knowledge, and talents than I do for the 19 year old sitting next to me who thinks that I'm "like... a really good writer, man."

It's fairly magical, though, to take a first draft into his office. Delicate and sensitive, it's like the first few glimpses into your soul. It's embarrassing and messy. But with the right editor.. the paper turns to clay. The two brains work together to mold that mess into a proper thought, a proper moment, a proper story. And then, when it's done, I can go home, reflect on notes and revisions, and REALLY start to write. 

It's magic. Editing isn't editing. Editing IS writing. There is no embarrassment in a sloppy, lazy first draft, as long as you constructively edit it. Nothing amazing was ever written on the first try.

30 pounds!!!

Finally, it's here! Today I was 176lbs. Back in October I was 206 pounds, and today, I weigh less than I did when I moved to Nevada, which was in 2006. Holy. Shit.

I weigh less than I did when I left college, and less than I did when a boyfriend did the wrong sort of encouraging and told me he would break up with me if I got past 175 pounds. And then promptly did not break up with me when I reached 180 and higher. Dumped him later, though...for being a dumb.

But fuck yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And my dieting has been awesome. This has been so much easier than Dukan, so much happier. I don't constantly think about all the things I'm missing. I had a handful of strawberries yesterday. In heavy cream. And it was divine, and it was allowed. And in the morning, I still weighed less. I eat bacon all the time. I eat CHEESE. Great, glorious CHEESE. And I'm just melting away!


I even had someone say that to me the other day. "You're just melting away... you're like half the woman you used to be!"

Well, I haven't lost *that* much weight. But maybe... mentally, I'm double the woman I used to be.

Everything good is mine today.

Success!!

At long last... I'm seeing losses again!

182 today, after almost 2 months of stagnation at or around 186.

It feels so goooood.

I've been sick, and going through the hell of my wisdom teeth removal previously didn't help, along with the water retention from all the meds. But now that I'm on my feet and eating again (dukan is out, keto is in... it's delicious, and cheaper), I'm seeing losses!

School has started, Bioshock Infinite looms ever tantilizlingly, and the new BLOPS2 Zombies map is insane. Watched the bf play a little bit of Die Rise last night.... looks wicked fun. Can't wait to get my xbox back online....


<3

On the other hand...

... maybe I did disappear.

I just haven't really known what to say.

Had some craziness going on, the holidays, family visits, and most recently, a couple tooth extractions. All fun.

Did well over the holidays, but I've still been sitting at the mid 180's for over a month now. Bleh. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of Dukan. Idk if I should stick it out, or what. I've recently been turned on to a keto diet (sometimes known as caveman diet, very similar to paleo). It sounds crazy, but every day I see more and more success stories from people with a whole lot more weight to lose than I.  And it looks much, much tastier than Dukan, that's for damn sure.

http://www.reddit.com/help/faqs/keto

If you're interested.

Bootcamp ended today. I definitely feel more mobile, a little more agile, and even a little bit faster. I really enjoyed it, in hindsight. In the class, I was always fucking dying.

I'm so dramatic.

But seriously, I never sweat that much playing softball out in the heat and humidity. Bootcamp was hard. I'll definitely miss it.

I feel smaller, but the scale doesn't seem to think so. My boyfriend notices. He said he forgot I had a tattoo on my hip. Well I hope I'm not so raging fat anymore that he forgets about my tattoos, lol.

Though, honestly, I forgot about it myself. I wouldn't mind a new, prettier one, right on top of that one. Maybe when I deserve and can afford rewards :)

Also been doing C25K, for longer than it would seem. I have to keep restarting because I miss days due to various reasons. Right now it's my teeth that's holding me back, but I did bootcamp today and it was fine, so I should be able to run tomorrow. I've been running outside, in the snow, and with my dog. All things I never thought I would do. And you know what.. it's not hard. I don't hate it.

It's a god damned revelation, it is.

So from the beggining of bootcamp to the end, plus the running on the side, I went from not being able to run a tenth of a mile w/o stopping, to being able to run two, almost three tenths of a mile w/o stopping.

Finally, the sweet, sweet taste of tangible progress.

I did not disappear

I feel badly, I haven't posted in a while. Well, I'm back. It wasn't that there wasn't anything going on, just that I didn't have much to say about it.

In reality, there's been a lot going on. Too much, if you ask me. Usually I'm one to vent, and obviously, I appreciate an audience. Lately, though, everything was too close to home and I've been really frustrated and not interested in opening up the issues to interpretation.

As far as the diet and everything goes, I think I'm back on the horse. I didn't gain anything, but I've been sitting at187 or so for this whole month and it's time to get back in gear. I signed up for MyFitnessPal, and I'm using that in conjunction with the Dukan Diet. Also, bootcamp is kicking my ass, in a good way. It's hard, and when I get in there and I see those boys who run it... I wanna kill them. But they're nice, and the class is as hard as it should be, and hopefully I see results when it's over. By that time, school will have started and I will still be working out 3x a week, if not more. I haven't started the Couch-2-5k thing yet. Why? Because I hate running, that's why.

But I've seen so many people who have done it and it's been remarkable for them, so I should try it. Also I'm interested in weight lifting, especially squats, and I need overall muscle tone. So hopefully the classes I'm taking will help me to this end but if not, I will at least be losing the weight and can focus on the tone and definition later.

Happy new year! I hope you make it take you where you want to go.