Victory is mine!

I did it... I got straight A's in my classes this semester. I've never done it in my entire life. Probably not even in elementary school, when all you had to do was shut your mouth for a little while and pay attention. I never could get those two down...

But I did it! Four beautiful, clearly marked A's are sitting on my transcript now. I think these are also the first A's I've gotten in college, ever.

Also, day 2 of bootcamp. Ow. Ow ow ow. But I worked my ass off. Everything below my pecs is pretty much worthless. Ab work was super hard, leg work was super hard. Deltoids and biceps? A-ok, in comparison, at least. Gotta work those glutes and abs!

Doing some light cardio on my days off from bootcamp, should probably add some weight work, or something. Idk. I need so much work on glutes and abs it just makes me sad.

BUT FOR NOW... I CELEBRATE!

I’m dead. I’m dead, I’m dead, I died, I dead.

I'm Marlin and Dory, from Finding Nemo. The light is the appeal of bootcamp class, and the angler fish is actual class, which is going to tear my ass apart very shortly.

But the first class is done. I hate my times, they're horrible, but at least there's a lot of room for improvement. Right after I go pass out.

Well... that was interesting.

So finals are over... commence the relieved sigh.

I finished Mass Effect 3... not really sure how I feel about it.

And bootcamp starts in the morning. I know exactly how I feel about it. I just hope I don't do as poorly as I'm worried I might.

To bed now... see you at 5 am, world.

Bioshock and plateaus

Ok so... first things first. Bioshock Infinite pushed back another month. We're looking at March 2013, now, which is not as far away as it sounds, I suppose. Either way, I'll be in school and I'll have to wait  play. BUT!!! Game play trailer! Amazing...

In other news... I've been sitting at this 186 mark for almost 10 days now. I know finals have been absorbing pretty much all my spare time and energy, but I need to get on top of it. I need to run. I need to eat better. I've been carb snacking here and there, when I'm in a rush, and it needs to stop.

I want more weight loss! I have to get it for myself.

I'm gonna do it...

I am doing it, but I'm gonna do it more. Hmph.

And, also, going to see The Hobbit this week! Very, very excited for this :)

As I complete my final paper for the semester....

Quick brain warm-up

I'm writing my final paper for the semester, currently. Well, not at this VERY moment. At this very moment, I'm writing this blog post. But previously, I was writing my layout/brainstorming for the paper. And following this, I will begin the first draft of the paper.

My argument for the paper, and the question I pose to you now, is this: what is the responsibility of art? Does art even have responsibility?

The paper requires the dissection of a movie as it relates to your thesis, and my movie/novel is Lolita.

The questions I am asking are, did Lolita deserve to be banned? Does any art deserve to be banned? And what is the point... to show humanity at its best, at its most ideal? Or should art show the truth, both the lows and highs?

My answer, most simply, is this. Art is an expression of its creator, as as such, should be free of censorship. Art is rarely universally agreeable. Neither is human nature. But to fear art for its portrayal of the darker aspects is to ignore the reality of the problems. The problems exist. They have existed and will continue to exist. But to blame the messenger, the media that examines the issues, is to avoid the infection and blame the symptom.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, is it not?

Now, Lolita is an interesting case. Nabokov claims in the afterword of his novel that there is "no moral in tow." However, despite an artist's intentions, they cannot control the reactions of their audience. One individual could read the novel and be rapturous in its aesthetics, for surely, it is a fabulous exploitation of the English language. Another, however, could be repelled by the subject matter. What it all comes down to, really, is the feelings of the audience. No one can control another's feelings. Feelings are a matter of choice. Do I choose to be so repulsed by the monstrous narrator that I cannot appreciate the beauty of his presentation? I choose to see past the fancy prose of the man who tries to be smarter than he is, to see his true nature as a kidnapper, molester, rapist, and all around violator of the young girl, and the girls before her. He apologizes for his actions, even as he delights in the delicious retelling of them. He victimizes himself to his jury, but critical reading is key, for between the lines of his confessions and excuses, is the truth. The abuse he commits is unforgivable, and is not intended to be seen as anything else.

This is the entire point. This story is no celebration of the joys of pedophilia, it is the troubled confession of a man who loathes his actions and relishes their memories. It does not make it a bad story, or an irresponsible piece of art. But were it pedo-centric propoganda, would I feel differently?

I would probably not read it, and if I had, I would probably not enjoy it. Does that mean that it is any less "art", and does that mean that because I did not agree with it that it should be thrown from the market? I don't know. I want to say no, that it should not. Would such a piece be supporting a violation of basic human rights? Yes, most likely. However, that doesn't mean it should be denied the chance to be accessed and similarly disagreed with. I doubt any such literature would convince someone who was not already prone to the thoughts and behaviors perpetrated therein. Media is not the source of actions or thoughts, and art imitates life. I cannot believe it would be encouraging to anyone but those previously engaged in the thought patterns. Media contributes, this I believe. But to remove it entirely would be more irresponsible and egregious than allowing it to exist in the first place.

If you don't like it, don't partake in it. Simple as that. Ignore it, and move on.

There is no bad press. Drawing attention to the negative with scathing reviews and fear-driven censorship will only draw a larger audience, curious to see what all the fuss is about.

20 pounds!

20 pounds bites the dust! I suspect that weight loss will slow down from here on out, as it regulates. However, I am starting several different work out type things... soon. That will definitely help and I'll start being able to see more results. Pictures soon, regarding the 20lbs, but I don't feel a lot different, really. Little things I notice, like the way my ring fits on my finger, or a pair of pants that use to be unable to button now bagging out on me by the end of the day. But I just don't... see it.

I'll be doing:
Couch-to-5k, 3x week
Bootcamp (Beginner's level, local gym), 3x week

When school starts again at the end of January, I'll not be in boot camp anymore, but I will be in 3 different PE classes, on top of the 3 academic ones. I'll be taking aerobics, "body contouring and conditioning", and yoga. Hopefully the pounds will drop, and the flab will tighten up, and by May... I should be fit and healthy and happy with the person I see in the mirror. I'm already happy with the inside, now I just need to match :)

Yay!

Tea

Those that know me understand that I get into obsessive phases. Recently, I have become interested in all things tea. My christmas list is covered in tea pots and kettles and beautiful little cups and blend after blend of loose leaf tea. I can't wait to get a proper pot and a matching pair of cups and just drink tea for hours with a friend, chatting away like usual. Only with tea!

I did finally try my first cup of loose leaf tea tonight, and really, it is different. As I enjoyed the white/mate chai blend, I felt what I think coffee people feel when they drink that first sip of their morning mug: full body warmlove. Everything is instantly better and your mind stops zooming so it can go "Hey man, what you're doing there... I really like that."

I've been obsessing over every aspect of tea, especially proper brewing and the differences between a traditional Japanese tea, and a British high noon tea. Both of which are fairly involved. I'm looking into Dukan recipes for tasty cookie biscuits, but I'm not 100% sure I would be happy dipping something into this awesome mug of hot perfection that I got going on right now.

Maybe snacks are out.

Dukan calls for an increase of water, and to avoid chemical-izing my entire being, I choose you, tea. And I love tea. I've had tea my whole life. But this departure from bagged tea to loose leaf...

My world just shifted.

Mission Time

It's now entering the final two weeks of the semester. Next Wednesday is the end of one of my classes, the other three end the following week.


Projects and papers, abound.

So much to do in so little time to secure those straight A's. Maybe three A's and a B. But with any luck... straight A's for the first time in my life. It's weird not being lazy anymore.

But dammit Jim, I'm a student, not a scientist.

Buckle down everybody... it's mission time.

It does a body (mind, spirit, soul, etc.) good

180's

Just wanted to pop and and post, so that later I can look at it and know it was true. Even if it goes away tomorrow, I saw the 180's today!

187, to be precise.

That's 19 pounds lost.

Like I said, even if tomorrow I'm not in the 180's, for whatever reason (like that special time of month where water retention is unavoidable...), I can look back here and know that the 180's are not a pipe dream for me.


:)

It's not that hard

I had an interesting class today.

It's been a long time since I've had an English teacher who didn't wet his pants just because I know how to put a sentence together. My current professor (ENG 102 - Composition) is very challenging, to me. He's one of the few instructors I've had who held me to my own level of excellence, not the level of the class as a whole. He won't grade me well just because many of my peers lack the skills necessary, or are just apathetic as a whole. So I've had a difficult time with my papers for his class, stressing over every little detail in the hopes of achieving A's. So far, I've suceeded. Today was interesting, for another reason.

Today he spent a good 30 minutes lecturing the class on the quality of our papers. Never, he rants, has he had a section do so poorly on the assignment. He cancelled three classes, offered hours of office time and in class time to assist and answer questions. No other assignments were given, to allow the students to do well on the assignment. Yet, he complained, the biggest issues were all issues that he has addressed with each student before. In short, almost everyone was plagiarizing and making the same mistakes repeatedly on every assignment they hand in.

I've seen this frustration before, but never to such a degree. It's a little sad and disheartening to see this man, who devoted his life and career to the study of language, and to teach others how to wield it effectively, and appropriately, be so... let down, I guess is the phrase.

After he gave his lecture/rant, we received our papers. I was thoroughly expecting a punch in the mouth over what I considered to be a poor paper indeed, and instead got full marks.  

But I wonder, why don't people care about language anymore?

Politics and major decisions will not be decided by those who cannot effectively communicate their thoughts. Revolutions will not be waged by those who cannot express their ideas, no matter how good they are. Raises will not be won by those who can't capably manage an argument or debate. Relationships will be difficult to manage for those who can't understand that LOL is an acronym, not a sentiment.

Where does the apathy begin? Who is to blame for the failings? I went through the same underfunded, overpopulated, public school system that most people have. I'm only 25, I'm not that removed from the 18 and 19 year-olds who are freshman nowadays. Yet for some reason, I give a shit. And they don't.... or worse, can't.

I do admit to an advantage, having two parents who were both in journalism fields. The stress on reading and writing was always present, and I was held to a higher standard by parents who know the difference between good writing, and poor writing. I learned to express myself through words, and I had the desire inside of me, as they do, to wear my heart on my notepad. But a student doesn't have to have a passion for words to write well, you only have to know the rules. Writing is a basic form of human communication. Automatic text puts grammar in your words automatically, is it too hard to pay attention to where those apostrophes go?

I don't feel special, and I don't understand why the apathy is so rampant, but it makes me worry for the future of humanity, and I empathize with those instructors who devoted their lives to a field of knowledge so rarely utilized by that majority of human minds, especially, when everyone can only benefit.

Post Holiday Musings

Since starting my diet, I knew that my timing would be tricky... holiday season is ultra food oriented and it's difficult to get together with family and friends and feel left out of all the delicious dishes you normally partake in.

For some diets, Weight Watchers, especially, you can eat what you want, as long as you're conscious of portions, etc. WW, however, has never worked for me. I've know those who have had massive success on that plan, and I was happier with my food options while doing WW, but my results were never substantial, dropping tenths of a pound every week.

With Dukan, my options are fairly limited, but with the benefit of a short term commitment. With the True Weight calculation, I have a basic idea of when my restricted options will cease. This is the main reason I'm able to cope with the diet, instead of an open ended date with the idea that "Hey, buddy, you'll get there.... someday!"

That said, I cheated on Thanksgiving. I didn't feel bad about it, either. I took tiny portions, about a spoonful, of the foods I love and craved. I didn't have seconds. I tried to avoid leftovers, but did have a few over the couple days following. But I have to say, it wasn't really worth it. Sure, I got the tastes I've been so programmed to love, but I paid for it.

Today I was finally back to where I was before Thanksgiving, 191.4 lbs. But I've been in so much pain trying to digest all the rich and fatty foods... not really worth it. And I forgot what holidays are really about... family, and those that we love.

I had a fabulous holiday. My family was here, at my house, where the meal was hosted. But the meal is symbolic for the greater message. I am thankful that I got to see so many family members on Thursday. I'm thankful that the timing worked perfectly, and I got to see my boyfriend and his kids and his family, as well, without missing a bit of the night. I'm thankful for his parents being so considerate, and providing extra turkey, since they know my diet is protein based. They've been very positive about school and my diet, and they don't have to, so I am grateful.

I am grateful that my professors didn't assign a massive homework load over the holiday, allowing me to have loads of fun, which is something I rarely do anymore.


For Christmas, I know that the point is people, not food. Spending time with those we care about and remembering why we have them in our lives is so much more important than wondering what food I'll be able to taste for the twenty minutes it takes us all to demolish the hours worth of work cooking it all, heh.

Happy Holidays, everyone. I hope I can keep my perspective through the next couple months! :)

A quick thought, to postpone homework

I've had a pretty killer head cold this past week, and I've sort of put my diet on hold until I get better. Those familiar with Dukan know the rules, and I haven't been mowing down carbs or fruit juice or anything of that nature. I have been a lot more lenient though, and I have stopped exercising until I feel up to par.

I was feeling kind of guilty, but on the other hand I know that tending to my health is much more important than tending to my weight.

I was sure I was going to have to start the diet again, back with the attack phase. But when I looked at the scale today, I was down to 193, even. Lowest I've been so far on this diet.

I guess my point is, don't ever give up. You might surprise yourself.

Oh god...

I posted some poems I had collected from various points in times in my life. Since I'll be taking an intro to poetry class next semester (super excited about it, though it has nothing to do with my major), I guess it's time to stop being so embarrassed and like... let people see it.

Everything I write embarrasses me. Should I take it as a good sign?

http://septembervalentine.deviantart.com/

For whomever is interested... oiy


Fat nerd, indeed.

I am the turtle... I am the turtle...

I find myself becoming disappointed if I don't see daily results on the scale. I'm often frustrated with myself, and if I'm not consistently dropping (or, worse, if I have a gain) I get so upset that I feel liable to just go eat all the things I should not. I know, however, that it won't make me feel better.

I have found that I used to use food as a primary means of pleasure, and I have a hard time enjoying myself if I deny food. I have been very creative with recipes, and find that I can make many delicious things for myself, in the constrains of the diet. But I miss certain things. I miss brownies, and I miss cheeseburgers, and I really, really miss pizza. I miss being able to go into the kitchen and have a bowl of cereal, instead of waking up early to make myself a breakfast.

I know that I will have quicker results if I exercise. Further, I know I won't have the body I want, if I don't. But I hate it. And not the cardio, I can walk the mandatory 30 minutes without fail. But developing the muscle tone... it makes me angry. I hate lifting weights, I hate doing Pilates, all of it makes me so angry. I really, really hate crunches. Why?

Most of the time I feel so mad at myself, like "How did you ever let yourself go this badly? You're pathetic, you're disgusting. Just give up". This is my toxic inner mantra. And while I'm in the process of changing it, It screams at me violently inside my head when I try these things, until I give up. I wish I knew how to let it go, so I could just exercise without the loathing hate fiend crawling on my back. The thought of pushing through it till it stops... I'm not sure that will ever happen. I'm not sure I will ever feel good enough to myself.

Slow and steady, I suppose.

Happy N7 day!

I'm Commander Shepherd, and this is my favorite blog on the citadel.

Election Day

Yes, yes, go vote. I have opinions, like everyone else, but Jesus H. Christ, if this doesn't put an end to the political vampires trying to suck the votes out of me, someone is going to be very, very sad.

Further, why do only elementary schools become polling places, and thus have no classes that day? As a parent, I would rather have my youngest kids be in school, and if any of the kids have to be out, I would rather have it be the ones old enough to handle themselves either in my home or in my car, without me, for the 15 mins - 2 hours it takes one to usually vote. I would also like my college to immediately become a polling center so that I can have no classes today.

I did actually vote early... it was the easiest way to stop the hope rising up in the welling eyes of all the political booth workers, warming up their sales pitch.

Crush their souls... crush them all.


Edit: Yes, I know Halo 4 came out last night. Never been a huge Halo fan, for some  reason. I like the story, but something about the mechanics of the movement always threw me off and I've never been able to get a feel for that. That said, it looks amazing and I'm very sorry for those who had to miss the midnight release festivities.... like my boyfriend.

We'll get 'em next time, babe. 

Have fun, and all hail the Chief!

Ten Pounds!

I lost my first 10 pounds today :) I've done a few diets, tried weight watchers, and never have I gotten down 10 pounds through my own efforts.

Weight watchers is awesome, don't get me wrong, but there is something about the Dukan diet, and the tangible due date of your desired weight that really helps to motivate.

To celebrate my first week of the diet, and the inital loss of 6 pounds, my mom took me to get my first gel nail polish. For those of you who have never tried it, do it! It's super long lasting, and it's beautiful... so shiny. And they dry so fast it's practically impossible to mess them up.

I got a color called Princesses Rule! and it is the most amazing, pale pink, ultra sparkly color, ever. I recommend owning it immediately.

Off to class with me! I just wanted to pop in, and share.

Tasty Vittles

I like to cook.

If I didn't like experimenting, I would not be able to handle this diet.... I would get very bored of the same chicken breast and steak and salads all the time.

Tonight I made Sweet Italian Lean Turkey Sausage (Links, but I cut them open) and gravy, with roasted peppers and mushrooms.

I am fantastic.

Gravy, you say? Horrible for you, you cry?

Oh nay nay.

Dukaners are familiar with the fact that cornstarch is better (at least per this diet) to use than flour. So some fat free milk, low sodium chicken broth, cold filtered water, all whisked with cornstarch, and presto! A fabulous gravy is about to be born. I do still cook in the fat from the turkey, while it's in the pan, just because it's already so damn lean anyways, I don't really care. Maybe not completely kosher, but who gives.

I know it's unfair to chicken breast to hate it. It has done nothing but be it's tastiest, plumpest, healthiest it can be. But chicken, it's not you; it's me. We just need a break. We'll see each other around... can we still be friends? Can I call you if I wanna hook up sometime?

That cool with you, chicken?

I knew it!

If only I could eat gummy bears!

Happy Halloween!

Trick or Treating is hard work, but luckily, I got my required exercise and then some.

Anyone else notice a ton of Mario's, this year? Weird.

I did have some candy: one bag of peanut butter M&Ms. I love those suckers.

There were not too many people out this year, and I noticed my kids haul a lot less candy than I ever got. And we used to go for ages, too. Now people seem to just stick to a very confined area, and the loot isn't as generous.

My kids notice, too.

When I stay home and pass out candy, I will get buckets of candy and hand it out by the overflowing handful.

I wish Halloween was safe again. I wish I could bake up trays of delicious goodies and send them home with the adorable happy faces.

I shoulda been born earlier.


NERD NOTE: BLOPS 2 is two weeks away!!! I haven't been able to afford the pre-order but you better believe I will get my hands on a copy.

I bought the bf Dishonored for his birthday, he finally beat it. He said it's very short. I have been avoiding reviews on this game because I have been wanting to play so badly. Is it really only approx. 20 hours of gameplay? For the engine and all, I can see it, but Skyrim was huge and practically unlimited. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy linear game-playing much more than such a widely open ended format. If I wanted to get a job, start a relationship, and not know what to do with myself.... I'd go outside.

But does that really need to limit the gameplay that much? I'll reserve judgement, but I'm afraid to be disappointed.

And one of these days, I'll finish ME3. I just really, really want to play the multiplayer before I launch into the final bit of the campaign. 

First things, first.

Well, I started my diet. I'm a Dukaner, for now. I've read much praise and heard some criticisms from friends and family, but at this point, it is working.

I started my diet Monday, 10/22/12, @ 206lbs.

Considering the hour, I will go ahead and say today is still the 30th, and I'm down to 198.2lbs.

It's working, I feel fine, and when I no longer do, I will stop :)

I will have many, many posts concerning my weight-loss journey.

But this isn't just called "Fat"... it's "Fat Nerd". :)

I'll have many posts about school, I'm sure, as well as my other hobbies, including video games, crafting, cooking, baking, etc. Many things I enjoy that... not a lot of other people do :)

For now, I end the post with my most embarrassing pictures ever.... my "Before" pictures.