I posted some poems I had collected from various points in times in my life. Since I'll be taking an intro to poetry class next semester (super excited about it, though it has nothing to do with my major), I guess it's time to stop being so embarrassed and like... let people see it.
Everything I write embarrasses me. Should I take it as a good sign?
http://septembervalentine.deviantart.com/
For whomever is interested... oiy
Fat nerd, indeed.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I am the turtle... I am the turtle...
I find myself becoming disappointed if I don't see daily results on the scale. I'm often frustrated with myself, and if I'm not consistently dropping (or, worse, if I have a gain) I get so upset that I feel liable to just go eat all the things I should not. I know, however, that it won't make me feel better.
I have found that I used to use food as a primary means of pleasure, and I have a hard time enjoying myself if I deny food. I have been very creative with recipes, and find that I can make many delicious things for myself, in the constrains of the diet. But I miss certain things. I miss brownies, and I miss cheeseburgers, and I really, really miss pizza. I miss being able to go into the kitchen and have a bowl of cereal, instead of waking up early to make myself a breakfast.
I know that I will have quicker results if I exercise. Further, I know I won't have the body I want, if I don't. But I hate it. And not the cardio, I can walk the mandatory 30 minutes without fail. But developing the muscle tone... it makes me angry. I hate lifting weights, I hate doing Pilates, all of it makes me so angry. I really, really hate crunches. Why?
Most of the time I feel so mad at myself, like "How did you ever let yourself go this badly? You're pathetic, you're disgusting. Just give up". This is my toxic inner mantra. And while I'm in the process of changing it, It screams at me violently inside my head when I try these things, until I give up. I wish I knew how to let it go, so I could just exercise without the loathing hate fiend crawling on my back. The thought of pushing through it till it stops... I'm not sure that will ever happen. I'm not sure I will ever feel good enough to myself.
Slow and steady, I suppose.
I have found that I used to use food as a primary means of pleasure, and I have a hard time enjoying myself if I deny food. I have been very creative with recipes, and find that I can make many delicious things for myself, in the constrains of the diet. But I miss certain things. I miss brownies, and I miss cheeseburgers, and I really, really miss pizza. I miss being able to go into the kitchen and have a bowl of cereal, instead of waking up early to make myself a breakfast.
I know that I will have quicker results if I exercise. Further, I know I won't have the body I want, if I don't. But I hate it. And not the cardio, I can walk the mandatory 30 minutes without fail. But developing the muscle tone... it makes me angry. I hate lifting weights, I hate doing Pilates, all of it makes me so angry. I really, really hate crunches. Why?
Most of the time I feel so mad at myself, like "How did you ever let yourself go this badly? You're pathetic, you're disgusting. Just give up". This is my toxic inner mantra. And while I'm in the process of changing it, It screams at me violently inside my head when I try these things, until I give up. I wish I knew how to let it go, so I could just exercise without the loathing hate fiend crawling on my back. The thought of pushing through it till it stops... I'm not sure that will ever happen. I'm not sure I will ever feel good enough to myself.
Slow and steady, I suppose.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Election Day
Yes, yes, go vote. I have opinions, like everyone else, but Jesus H. Christ, if this doesn't put an end to the political vampires trying to suck the votes out of me, someone is going to be very, very sad.
Further, why do only elementary schools become polling places, and thus have no classes that day? As a parent, I would rather have my youngest kids be in school, and if any of the kids have to be out, I would rather have it be the ones old enough to handle themselves either in my home or in my car, without me, for the 15 mins - 2 hours it takes one to usually vote. I would also like my college to immediately become a polling center so that I can have no classes today.
I did actually vote early... it was the easiest way to stop the hope rising up in the welling eyes of all the political booth workers, warming up their sales pitch.
Crush their souls... crush them all.
Edit: Yes, I know Halo 4 came out last night. Never been a huge Halo fan, for some reason. I like the story, but something about the mechanics of the movement always threw me off and I've never been able to get a feel for that. That said, it looks amazing and I'm very sorry for those who had to miss the midnight release festivities.... like my boyfriend.
We'll get 'em next time, babe.
Have fun, and all hail the Chief!
Further, why do only elementary schools become polling places, and thus have no classes that day? As a parent, I would rather have my youngest kids be in school, and if any of the kids have to be out, I would rather have it be the ones old enough to handle themselves either in my home or in my car, without me, for the 15 mins - 2 hours it takes one to usually vote. I would also like my college to immediately become a polling center so that I can have no classes today.
I did actually vote early... it was the easiest way to stop the hope rising up in the welling eyes of all the political booth workers, warming up their sales pitch.
Crush their souls... crush them all.
Edit: Yes, I know Halo 4 came out last night. Never been a huge Halo fan, for some reason. I like the story, but something about the mechanics of the movement always threw me off and I've never been able to get a feel for that. That said, it looks amazing and I'm very sorry for those who had to miss the midnight release festivities.... like my boyfriend.
We'll get 'em next time, babe.
Have fun, and all hail the Chief!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Ten Pounds!
I lost my first 10 pounds today :) I've done a few diets, tried weight watchers, and never have I gotten down 10 pounds through my own efforts.
Weight watchers is awesome, don't get me wrong, but there is something about the Dukan diet, and the tangible due date of your desired weight that really helps to motivate.
To celebrate my first week of the diet, and the inital loss of 6 pounds, my mom took me to get my first gel nail polish. For those of you who have never tried it, do it! It's super long lasting, and it's beautiful... so shiny. And they dry so fast it's practically impossible to mess them up.
I got a color called Princesses Rule! and it is the most amazing, pale pink, ultra sparkly color, ever. I recommend owning it immediately.
Off to class with me! I just wanted to pop in, and share.
Weight watchers is awesome, don't get me wrong, but there is something about the Dukan diet, and the tangible due date of your desired weight that really helps to motivate.
To celebrate my first week of the diet, and the inital loss of 6 pounds, my mom took me to get my first gel nail polish. For those of you who have never tried it, do it! It's super long lasting, and it's beautiful... so shiny. And they dry so fast it's practically impossible to mess them up.
I got a color called Princesses Rule! and it is the most amazing, pale pink, ultra sparkly color, ever. I recommend owning it immediately.
Off to class with me! I just wanted to pop in, and share.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tasty Vittles
I like to cook.
If I didn't like experimenting, I would not be able to handle this diet.... I would get very bored of the same chicken breast and steak and salads all the time.
Tonight I made Sweet Italian Lean Turkey Sausage (Links, but I cut them open) and gravy, with roasted peppers and mushrooms.
I am fantastic.
Gravy, you say? Horrible for you, you cry?
Oh nay nay.
Dukaners are familiar with the fact that cornstarch is better (at least per this diet) to use than flour. So some fat free milk, low sodium chicken broth, cold filtered water, all whisked with cornstarch, and presto! A fabulous gravy is about to be born. I do still cook in the fat from the turkey, while it's in the pan, just because it's already so damn lean anyways, I don't really care. Maybe not completely kosher, but who gives.
I know it's unfair to chicken breast to hate it. It has done nothing but be it's tastiest, plumpest, healthiest it can be. But chicken, it's not you; it's me. We just need a break. We'll see each other around... can we still be friends? Can I call you if I wanna hook up sometime?
That cool with you, chicken?
If I didn't like experimenting, I would not be able to handle this diet.... I would get very bored of the same chicken breast and steak and salads all the time.
Tonight I made Sweet Italian Lean Turkey Sausage (Links, but I cut them open) and gravy, with roasted peppers and mushrooms.
I am fantastic.
Gravy, you say? Horrible for you, you cry?
Oh nay nay.
Dukaners are familiar with the fact that cornstarch is better (at least per this diet) to use than flour. So some fat free milk, low sodium chicken broth, cold filtered water, all whisked with cornstarch, and presto! A fabulous gravy is about to be born. I do still cook in the fat from the turkey, while it's in the pan, just because it's already so damn lean anyways, I don't really care. Maybe not completely kosher, but who gives.
I know it's unfair to chicken breast to hate it. It has done nothing but be it's tastiest, plumpest, healthiest it can be. But chicken, it's not you; it's me. We just need a break. We'll see each other around... can we still be friends? Can I call you if I wanna hook up sometime?
That cool with you, chicken?
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