I am the turtle... I am the turtle...

I find myself becoming disappointed if I don't see daily results on the scale. I'm often frustrated with myself, and if I'm not consistently dropping (or, worse, if I have a gain) I get so upset that I feel liable to just go eat all the things I should not. I know, however, that it won't make me feel better.

I have found that I used to use food as a primary means of pleasure, and I have a hard time enjoying myself if I deny food. I have been very creative with recipes, and find that I can make many delicious things for myself, in the constrains of the diet. But I miss certain things. I miss brownies, and I miss cheeseburgers, and I really, really miss pizza. I miss being able to go into the kitchen and have a bowl of cereal, instead of waking up early to make myself a breakfast.

I know that I will have quicker results if I exercise. Further, I know I won't have the body I want, if I don't. But I hate it. And not the cardio, I can walk the mandatory 30 minutes without fail. But developing the muscle tone... it makes me angry. I hate lifting weights, I hate doing Pilates, all of it makes me so angry. I really, really hate crunches. Why?

Most of the time I feel so mad at myself, like "How did you ever let yourself go this badly? You're pathetic, you're disgusting. Just give up". This is my toxic inner mantra. And while I'm in the process of changing it, It screams at me violently inside my head when I try these things, until I give up. I wish I knew how to let it go, so I could just exercise without the loathing hate fiend crawling on my back. The thought of pushing through it till it stops... I'm not sure that will ever happen. I'm not sure I will ever feel good enough to myself.

Slow and steady, I suppose.